Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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