everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
