my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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