Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
