whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
