The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
