I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
