last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
