Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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