Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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