If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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