someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
