Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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