so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
