i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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