He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
