Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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