the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
