Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
