Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
