Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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