I can tuck mytits in my pants
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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