life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this beer tastes like vomit already
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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