you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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