Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
