You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
