When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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