I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
