Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize