So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
