you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
