I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
