apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
