Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
