At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
