then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Green mimosas i think yes
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
