dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
