I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
