he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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