You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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