i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
