The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you never un-have a 4some
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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