Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
