The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
