wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
