Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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