I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
