It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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