Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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