It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
