dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
