when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
