i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
